Saving Face: The Tale of Two Dinner Parties
As the “legend” goes, during one of the many elections for Britain’s next prime minister, Winston Churchill’s mother, Jennie Jerome, attended two rival dinner parties in a single week. The first was hosted by William Gladstone, a lively, talkative man who enjoyed being the main conversationalist. The other was hosted by the more reserved, dry-witted, and quietly attentive Benjamin Disraeli. Afterwards a journalist asked Jerome her impression of each man.
Her reply is as timeless as it is insightful:
“When I left the dining room after sitting next to Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But when I sat next to Disraeli, I left feeling that I was the cleverest woman.”
That insight is more than historical gossip. It is a quiet diagnosis: two men, the same ambitions; yet two very different souls at work. One sought to be admired; the other chose to make space for another soul to be herself. The difference was not technique. It was a confession of internal posture and orientation.
What Jerome describes is not a gap in intelligence. It’s a difference in orientation. One man oriented his presence toward appearing impressive; the other oriented his presence with Jerome toward helping her feel seen. That orientation, not technique or charm, is what people remember.
Why That Distinction Matters
Modern resources for communication skill improvement will tout taking an interest in others but then tell you how to go about it in all the wrong ways. Many articles, courses, books and workshops teach you techniques on how to be interesting. They give tips they lazily call “active listening” by telling you to ask questions, make regular eye contact, restate what the person said, nod, and mirror body language. Those are useful bridges, but they’re not the destination. The deeper distinction is whether you enter conversations ready to perform or ready to receive.
Performers want to be admired. Receivers want to be present.
Disraeli didn’t win Jerome’s favor because he’d attended a weekend course in small talk techniques. He did it by cultivating a presence of paying attention. He drew out her mind and caused her to feel like the cleverest woman in the room. That’s a posture, not a trick.
Why Techniques Fail (Sometimes)
If your inner life is noisy, techniques are fragile. On a good day, a well-placed question feels genuine. On an off day, it reads as a rehearsed move. If your orientation is toward appearing impressive, you’ll end up performing even when asking your “authentic” questions. That attempt at performing authentic questions rather than just asking them will come off as disingenuous at best and manipulative at worst.
Presence, the capacity to help someone feel seen, is not a technique you can fake repeatedly. It is cultivated in your own quiet moments prior to any encounter, a process for another article. However, the key thing to understanding is that it is brought about by how you view people and what you value in the moment: the interest in others over your own image.
Where This Goes for Real Communication
If your goal relates to connecting with others in a real and lasting way, start with an internal posture shift instead of learning the next conversational hack. Something like:
• Shift from seeking to impress to seeking to receive.
• Move from being a clever, impressive speaker to being a careful, curious listener.
• Treat attention as a gift, not a platform.
This is quiet work.
It isn’t flashy.
It’s not the stuff of Instagram tutorials. Yet, for those who understand it deeply, it’s why some conversations feel like business meetings and others feel like turning points.
A Small Practice You Can Try
Next time you’re at a meal or a meeting, try this simple experiment, no performance required:
1. Enter the conversation curious; don’t try to figure out how it will end before it even begins.
2. Before you speak, ask yourself: “Am I trying to appear good right now, or am I seeking to understand?”
3. Ask one genuinely curious question and then let the silence hold that space. When you do that, the other person will answer fully.
4. End by naming something you noticed about them that seems true and positive. It can be as simple as “You have a steady way of listening” or “I appreciate you sharing something about yourself with me.”
That last step flips the dynamic; instead of leaving someone feeling impressed by you, you leave them feeling recognized. It’s small, but sacred work. It’s what Disraeli did without fanfare.
For Leaders: Steward the Room, Not Your Image
If you’ve led others long enough, you’ll know that leadership is not an amplified stage for you to strut your ego and impress others. It is your responsibility to shape the space where others can become competent, honest, and courageous.
When a leader is concerned with performing, it arises from an interest in him or herself. When a leader is concerned with receiving, it arises from an interest in others.
The posture you model sets the culture.
This is not soft work. It is a practicable process that forms character over time. The Jerome story shows the effect; the work is in your daily choices. Presence is not a trick but a discipline. If you practice it, you are not merely better at conversation, you are helping people return to themselves.