The Dreaded 'F-Word' of Life!

The original article that inspired this article was published in the November 2020 issue of ‘Community Interests’ magazine by the Nevada Chapter of the Community Associations Institute.

You may not know it yet, but you could be looking at the ‘f-word’ and the ‘s-word’ all wrong.

Years ago, I surveyed my life and career and found myself dissatisfied. I was a top executive in a small company I’d helped establish years earlier. In the time I’d been leading the company, the rapport between some of my business partners had deteriorated and in turn, it had an effect on my business relationship with them. It was turning into a bit of a mess and I started to wonder if maybe it was time for a massive overhaul in my life. I still had an income and my family was in good health, but I couldn’t help but wonder why ‘success’ had evaded my grasp and naturally, I felt frustration.

Enter Hannibal Barca

When you think of Hannibal, you can’t help but also think of his elephants.

I was lamenting some of my life choices to my brother, Ken one day and he mentioned a book I needed to check out that might help reframe my view on where I was in life. He had actually told me about this book before and I showed some interest in it, but added it to my mental list of things to get around to ‘one day.’ I can’t remember the exact events that led to my surrender and finally picking up the book, but reading it gradually changed my life.

The book is called Hannibal and Me: What History’s Greatest Military Strategist Can Teach Us About Success and Failure by Andreas Kluth. Early in its pages, as Kluth shared his own personal story of how he came to write this book, I was captured. Throughout the book, Kluth does something I have rarely seen done, and that is shunning the shortcut, hacky success dogma so prevalent in the current zeitgeist to adopt a contemplative tone that can’t be found among any of the popular ‘thought leaders’ and ‘influencers’ today.  What makes this book so important to me is that it is not a discussion on how to become wealthy, powerful, influential, or fit.  It’s a discussion of how to view those things from a completely different and more rational perspective.

Unlike so many of the pedantic regurgitations of warmed over ‘success lit’ written by authors too lazy or ignorant to appreciate original sources, this book is poignant and philosophical.  It doesn’t tell the reader what to think or what to do when it comes to achieving goals.  The insights Kluth shares in Hannibal are many, but I want to approach one of the most profound themes and conclusions Kluth makes in his book that may cause you to lose interest in it immediately. 

Yes, you read that right.  I’m telling you that you might not even want to finish reading this article before we’ve even gotten into the subject matter of the book. 

The Power of the ‘F-Word’… No, not that F-Word! 

I suppose now is a good time to tell you that I keep a ‘swear jar’ in my office.  No joke.  An actual glass swear jar is on my desk where I must deposit coins if I decide to cuss.  I’ve had it there for over a year and it has done wonders to reduce the frequency of my swearing to almost nothing.  I will discuss the impact this one change has had on my life, but I will save that for another article.  I only bring up the jar to let you know that it is not that F-word we’re discussing here.

No, the F-word that has caused many to shudder and even shrink when it is said aloud is failure

The Power of Words

This next section will not be an attempt to sugarcoat the discussion about failure as a ‘learning experience’ or a ‘temporary setback’ or a challenge that could be overcome once you gained more information and momentum.  No matter how tough you believe you are or how rational of a thinker you might be, if you care about your personal mission in life, the word ‘failure’ may sting when you hear it.  Why is that?  What is the power in words like ‘failure,’ or ‘mistake,’ or ‘defeat?’  Is it possible that you have been conditioned to see failure as some sort of curse word the same way you have been trained subtly to worship at the altar of our modern definition of ‘success?’  Is the prospect of failure the thing that has prevented you from taking the first step toward accomplishing a goal?  Is it preventing you from progressing toward your goal, because it is just too much to take if you…fail? 

After all, everywhere you look and everyone you talk to pretty much tells you only the positive parts of their project or enterprise.  Rarely is there an instance of them spending more than a moment relaying a massive setback that at the time might have seemed like ultimate defeat for them.  I’m talking about something that can feel much more permanent, partly because the end can’t be seen.  It can be something that’s so taboo to talk about in western society, because honestly, when we do for too long it starts to hurt.  Also, our culture and history haven’t lent us the ‘grounding’ of a philosophical outlook that would be beneficial in trying times. Even the least superstitious member of any group will initially flinch at discussing the prospect of failure.

The type of failure I’m talking about is the ‘realest’ kind of all, or at least the realest to you. It’s the type of defeat where the reality of your changing circumstances moves around you and your organization so rapidly that your perception of what you thought you knew to be true is forced to transform dramatically.  It’s in the few moments of lucid reflection in which you engage between repeated failed attempts toward your goal that you begin to realize the goal cannot (and will not) be accomplished.  I repeat, the goal will not be accomplished.

This kind of failure could be called ‘bone crushing’ or ‘earth shattering.’  So, what do we do when we encounter it?  Do we give up?  Do we keep going?  Or is there another solution and is there a way to minimize the power of this word and the concept of failure?

Redefining Failure

There is a simple, yet poorly known key to arresting the power certain words have over your mind; that is to study the etymology of the word.  In another post, I want to spend some time talking about the value of this activity and how it has helped me in so many ways, but for now, we’ll stick to the subject at hand.  The word ‘failure originates from the mid-17th century Anglo-Norman French.  The word was originally spelled failer, and generally was used to describe a ‘non-occurrence’ and/or a ‘cessation of supply.’ 

What?  It wasn’t used to denote a catastrophe, a disaster or even just an embarrassing event?  No, the original intent for the word ‘failer’ by the French was to discuss an event not transpiring or the running out of something that was likely vital to existence and survival.

In other words, it was just another word.  Kind of anti-climactic.

Make no mistake, it was a word used to describe a condition that could be serious and real, such as running out of food or a harvest that couldn’t come because of an early frost.  However, in that moment the word to be used was not in itself catastrophic or disastrous.  The word didn’t imply death. The conditions could lead to a disaster, like starvation, if not addressed, but it doesn’t seem like the Anglo-Norman French peoples used that word to describe an immediately disastrous situation.  Therefore, they were likely not paralyzed by fear when the next season to plant crops arrived.

So, how did failure gain so much power over the minds of men and women everywhere and how much power does its counterpart, ‘success’ have over the above-mentioned collective?

That ‘S-Word’ Too!

I had no intention of writing an article of this long when discussing failure and success.  There are several other writers spouting pithy phrases and quippy quotations on failure and success.  I know because I’ve been one of them.  Yet, how often do they delve into the oft esoteric etymology of a word so they not only understand the meaning behind the word, but more importantly, understand themselves?  And then dig deeper than that and really ponder what it all means? That will be for another time.

So, what is the origin of the word ‘success?’  Authoritative online sources vary slightly on its origins.  I decided on the following to understand the etymology of the word ‘success.’

It comes from the Middle English word: succeden, which in turn took the word from the Anglo-French word: succeeder, that was passed down from the Latin succedere.  What’s fascinating about that analysis is the word maintained much of its original root with little variation after all these centuries.  However, what does it mean?  The Latin origin says cedere is: ‘to go up, to follow after.’

So, the word ‘success’ wasn’t introduced into the Latin language to indicate vast amounts of wealth, a beautiful home, expensive vehicles, and lavish vacations?  It wasn’t intended for the YouTuber who hits a million subscribers and is raking in riches all year from their video channel?  It wasn’t for the political candidate or professional athlete who reached the pinnacle of their pursuit with relentless focus?

No, it seems the word success was originally meant to pursue or go after something.  In other words, to borrow from the cliché, it was about the journey, not the destination.  I find that interesting, because most portrayals of success in modern society have to do with having already gotten the thing and achieved the goal, not the struggle towards the goal. 

Back to ‘Hannibal & Me’

In Hannibal and Me, Kluth explores the life-changing challenges of numerous historical figures in Eleanor Roosevelt, Albert Einstein, Cleopatra, Carl Jung and Hannibal Barca, the ancient Carthaginian general who the book is named after and was the one who crossed the Alps into Italy with the intention of destroying ancient Rome.  Barca never followed through on that final task.  However, of the accounts Kluth shares that had the most impact on me, was his retelling of the ‘failed’ expedition of famed early 20th Century explorer Ernest Shackleton.

Sir Ernest Shackleton: The 20th Century’s Biggest ‘Failure?’

Shackleton’s obsession with Antarctica eventually led to him being buried on a northern island near there.

In 1914, with years of experience and planning on his side, Shackleton sailed south from England with just over two dozen men, driven by the goal to be the first man to cross Antarctica by foot.  However, Shackleton’s ship never made it to solid ground.  Instead, the vessel became trapped in the massive ice pack ‘like an almond in the middle of a chocolate bar,’ as one crewman wrote.

There isn’t enough space here to share the full account of Shackleton’s amazing 18-month adventure and the thousands of trials he and his men faced in that dismal desolation.  That can be found in so many more appropriate places.  However, Kluth weaves a fascinating and truthful tale in the book on Shackleton and his insights are unlike anything I’ve seen elsewhere.  I’ve read the book three times through and every time, I came away a more changed man. 

Most poignant in Kluth’s exploration of Shackleton, is how Shackleton’s prime objective had to change repeatedly.  Originally, he’d planned to be the first man to cross Antarctica, but once conditions changed around him so powerfully and rapidly, he knew he had to change his objective and thus, throw out his original plans and then make new ones.  Inside that cold, hostile and unforgiving environment, Shackleton was able to pivot and create a new, more powerful vision of success than what he had set out to do.  His new goal was to get every man back to civilization alive and as safely as possible.  It became the only rational goal for him to achieve with everything else fading into the background. 

With a sound mind and excellent judgment, Shackleton had redefined the ‘f-word’ (failure) and even the ‘s-word’ (success) with his leadership through the most challenging situations.  It’s no wonder fellow explorer Sir Raymond Priestly said:

‘For scientific discovery give me Scott; for speed and efficiency of travel give me Amundsen; but when disaster strikes and all hope is gone, get down on your knees and pray for Shackleton.’ 

Can there be higher praise? 

How Does this Apply to You?

The most obvious answer to the above question is to get a copy of Hannibal and read it as soon as possible.  The less obvious answer is to examine your thoughts, your words, and your actions along with the tendencies you follow daily and see how they align with the vision you’ve had in your mind about success versus failure and what it is you are trying to achieve. 

Have you been working toward a goal you wanted to achieve that made sense 10 years ago, but makes no sense now?  Or have you found your life circumstances have changed so much around you, whether it is your health, your relationships, your resources, or something else, that you can’t help but contemplate the feasibility of accomplishing the original goal? Maybe it’s a matter of shifting your perspective.

Make no mistake, this is not defeatist talk.  Nor am I advocating giving up unthinkingly on a dream or goal you’ve harbored accomplishing for years or decades.  I still have my own dreams and aspirations I work on daily, but I view them (along with my failures) differently than before.

I have wondered how many people might read this far in my article and conclude that I’m advocating giving up.  No, I’m talking about the ultimate form of success being the arrival at a true peace of mind.  If you follow Kluth’s logic and philosophical thinking of seeing the changing goalposts for what they are, you’ll find a greater peace of mind and less frustration in your day-to-day life. Happiness may end up being the side-effect of you cultivating such a peace. 

You won’t be afraid of failure anymore and you will appreciate the success you pursue even more.  Don’t take my word for it though, try it out for yourself.

Feel free to comment below.  Feel free to share.  

IF YOU FIND YOU’RE IN NEED OF ASSISTANCE IN HOW TO DEVELOP MORE MEANINGFUL SKILLS IN CONNECTING WITH OTHERS, OR IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO NEEDS HELP, PLEASE CONTACT ME BY CLICKING HERE. 

Saving Face: A Tale of Two Dinner Parties

Adapted from an article originally published in CAI’s Community Interests Magazine (September 2021 issue)

Winston Churchill’s mother, Jennie Jerome was a popular American-born British socialite in Victorian society who had been invited to the dinner parties of two political rivals within one week’s span.  On-again, off-again British Prime Minister William Gladstone hosted the first party she attended.  It was said that Queen Victoria wasn’t really a fan of Gladstone, but he possessed a lively personality with knowledge on a variety of subjects and enjoyed being the main conversationalist in any exchange.  Later that week, Ms. Jerome attended a second dinner party hosted by Gladstone’s political opponent, also on-again, off-again British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli.  Disraeli was often described as a more reserved person with a dry wit and listening ear. 

Jennie Jerome

British-American socialite and Winston Churchill’s mother.

Following the two dinner parties, Jerome was asked by a journalist about the kind of impression she received from each man.  Whether she realized it at the time, she shared an immortal nugget of wisdom:

"When I left the dining room after sitting next to Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England.  But when I sat next to Disraeli, I left feeling that I was the cleverest woman."

Disraeli became Britain’s next prime minister in this election.

What was the Difference?

None of us were present at either of those dinner gatherings and yet, Jerome’s pithy summation of how each interaction went tells us so much about how each man approached human interaction and communication skills.  Also, it’s likely a lot of factors influenced the outcome of that election.  Since I wasn’t there, it wouldn’t be fair to judge both men on that simple summary; and yet, if we look to other sources, it seems that this was the “essence” of what each man embodied. 

It’s interesting to contemplate the personality traits and the overall impression Disraeli and Gladstone’s contemporaries give of the two men.  I shared a summary above, but even with that simple distinction, could those traits and the overall makeup of each man have contributed to leaving Jerome with those two powerful impressions?   I think so.  I think that even though both men had their own supporters, Disraeli came out the winner of this contest by being the best version of who he was and then trying to draw out the best version of Jerome. 

In other words, I don’t believe Disraeli just attended the 19th Century equivalent of a couple of two-day courses on how to make new friends and influence voters and then became a “master of human relations.”  Maybe that was how Gladstone approached it…maybe not.  Something worth pondering. 

Maybe Gladstone unconsciously (or consciously) gave the impression he did to Jerome because it was just who he was, and he couldn’t help himself (such a strange phrase: “couldn’t help himself.”)  Another way of saying it was that he could have been on some sort of “ego autopilot” where he might have not been paying as close attention to what was really at stake in that interaction with Jennie Jerome.  On the other hand, it seemed that Disraeli was paying attention and perhaps his “true self” came through that evening…or maybe not.

The Evolution of an Idea

I had originally written an article about the two above-mentioned British dinner parties that was originally published in September 2021* and my original intent with this article was to just copy and paste what I wrote then with a few slight changes for context.  That article contained a list of tricks and techniques that would help any earnest reader have a meaningful conversation with another person, if that person was “present” and in the moment.  It didn’t consider the mood of the reader though or if they were having an “off day.”

Since that article was originally written and published, I have spent much of that time up until now immersed in deeper and deeper internal and external conversations about what goes right with interpersonal relations improvement attempts…and what goes wrong.  Additionally, in redrafting this article you are reading now, what if you experimented on my suggestions found they came up short from time-to-time when you weren’t “feeling it” on a certain day?  Suddenly, I would become the deficient dispenser of poor advice.  No, there is something more to it then “techniques,” which are a useful bridge from the more embryonic stage of improved communication development to naturally giving the impression Disraeli did and doing so naturally.   I’ve hinted above at some of the ideas above and I’ve discovered and developed and subsequently have taught to others as solid concepts on improving communication skills and therefore, our ability to relate to others. 

I have much more to say on this subject, but I will refrain from delving too deeply here.

Feel free to comment below.  Feel free to share.  

If you find you’re in need of assistance in how to develop more meaningful skills in connecting with others, or if you know someone who needs help, please contact me by clicking here